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Kait and JJ bring on Elyse Murphy to talk about what loveboming is and what’s someone just being genuinely nice.
Introduction
What is LOVE BOMBING?
Elyse how did you first experience love bombing? What did it look like at the start? How did you feel?
Who typically love bombs?
According to a physcologist called Dale Archer, love bombing follows a PATTERN called IDD.
Red flags of Love Bombing
If you’re seeing these things, you need to then…
What love bombing is NOT/ not red flags
Hey hey hey Heart of Dating podcast fam!! We’re back with another episode in season 11, RED FLAGS!!! This episode we’re bringing on one of our favesss everrrr, Elyse Murphy, to talk about *drum roll please* LOVE BOMBING!!!
First of all, this is getting talked about A LOT as of late, and that is GREAT. But it’s almost like now we have swung the pendulum so that if someone does something kind and sweet at the start, people freak out that it’s love bombing. The education is GREAT, but we need to really talk about what it IS and is NOT.
So let’s identify what IS a red flag with love bombing and what is NOT.
Lovebombing is a form of manipulation where the person uses attention, affection and adoration EARLY ON… the reason is because they want to get you to see them as the greatest thing ever so that you will do what they want.
EXAMPLE- The person just met you. And they start complimenting you WILDLY… like a LOT. You start feeling like Cameron Diaz and Jude law in the Holiday having your perfect meet-cute.
In a way it’s like reality TV dating- BIG gestures, BIG words, TOO much romantic. It’s often intense, fast, overwhelming, distracting. There might be constant contact…loads of messages and check ins morning, noon, and night. Immediately using pet names. Experiences may be intense really fast… GRAND dates right at the start. Sometimes the love bombing is NOT as grandiose. Maybe they tell you their sad story and you are a FIXER and you start helping them… and they FLOOD you with compliments and make you feel like their hero. Overall, love bombing is often a tactic used by abusers and narcissists to lure people into their control.
It can often feel effortless, and the red flags are hard to spot because you feel so GOOD around them because they are always doing amazing things for you and saying amazing things about you. THIS IS WHY IT IS CALLED A LOVE BOMB. It’s like a bomb of all these feel good things, and we can’t see through the smoke to know the TRUTH. Some people IF NOT CAREFUL, can get hooked on these feel good feelings. It can work well because everyone wants to be LOVED and appreciated and shown affection If you get hooked, the relationship can move at lighting speeds. You find a sense of deep connection with a person you actually do NOT know very well… which is concerning.
Elyse grew up as a pastor’s child and was very sheltered. When she moved to LA at the age of 24, she had never really had a boyfriend so she was the PERFECT candidate to get love bombed. She met a man who had seen her preach on Sunday, one night at a Jazz night. He told her he had seen her preaching, could so clearly see the anointing on her life…in short, he used all the Bible words and Elyse was like okay God, won’t you do it! He asked her on a date, he picks her up with flowers (not a sign of love bombing), and then an hour into the date he was confessing his love for her (this IS a sign of love bombing)! An hour later, Elyse is starting to feel uncomfortable with how he is treating her. Everything he was doing was very touchy feely, telling her how beautiful she was, then shifted into how cute their kids could be, etc. At that point in time, Elyse’s response was to people please so before she left that night they ended up making out. The next morning she woke up to TEN text messages from him and unsure what to do next.
Elyse decided to call some of the only friends she had made to tell them about what was going on. Her guy friend said he’d handle it, however Elyse was feeling shame as the one receiving the love bombing.
A few years later Elyse was dating her ex-husband who happened to be a worship leader at the time. Proposed in a very public way, and also bought her tons of gifts for christmas. While they didn’t cross any physical boundaries before marriage they also didn’t cross emotional boundaries either, she didn’t really know him.
Just because someone sits in the same church you do every single Sunday does NOT mean they are after God’s heart.
Love bombing is void of seeing you in any kind of pit or valley or storm and that’s why it’s so dangerous.
When there are multiple of these showing up, that’s when love bombing may be happening. This is when you need to do a check in and see how you’re feeling, does it feel overwhelming?
If there is empathy, compassion, respectfulness, genuineness then it is NOT lovebombing.
Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.
Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.
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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.
Elyse Murphy is a writer, speaker, and influencer who is committed to using her platform to have authentic conversations and help women shake off shame and step into their God-given light. Elyse also coaches women on a regular basis, and it led her to create Breakthrough Bootcamp -- a six week program for women to get unstuck, shake off shame, and go deeper with God. Most recently she is the co-producer and host of “On A Lighter Note” with Lightworkers, and works with media outlets to create content that will help people find hope and have honest conversations about faith, health, and relationships.
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