Are you rooted in power or in fear?

     A lot of people say they want to abstain from sex before marriage because they don’t want to get too attached during the dating faze. Or they don’t want to be with someone who only wants them for sex. Or they just don’t want to disobey God.

     While some of these reasons are valid, they are more rooted in fear rather than being empowered. But it’s important to come from a position of power so that you feel confident in your decisions and are excited about the outcome, which is to share the intimacy ultimately in the covenant of marriage. So with all this being said, there will be a time when you’ll be on a date and interested in where this relationship will go, but at one point you’ll need to share your sexual boundaries, ethics, and past, as well as hear from your partner.

So how do you bring up sexual boundaries and history?‍

Here are four things I recommend you do:

1. Look at yourself first.

     First and foremost, before you start analyzing the person you’re talking to, you need to look internally. What is your relationship with sex and sexual desire?Do you know what your sexual ethic is? Do you know why your sexual ethic is the way that it is? Have you struggled with boundaries before?If you have, why has it been a struggle? Do you have a lot of wounding in the area of sexuality and intimacy?

It’s really important to know yourself and know why you believe what you do, as well as know your triggers and what is best for you.

2. Be honest.

     Let me clarify something: being honest doesn't mean you have to tell your date all of your sexual history right away. Not at all. I discourage this actually! What I’m saying is to be honest about your boundaries. For example, if you don’t want to kiss that person on a first date, you don’t have to. Be empowered to share with them what you don’t want to do.It’s important to be candid about our sexual ethics and boundaries pretty early in dating, especially as the relationship progresses and becomes more physical.This is not a time to be cool, but to be clear. Don’t assume that they are on the same page as you.

3. Get on the same page + get curious

     This is where it’s most important, and where compatibility often comes into play.To put this in perspective, let’s say you have a boundaries conversation and reveal that you are on page two, but the person you’re dating is on page three. So where do you draw the line if your physical boundaries are different?

     First, instead of judging them and writing them off, I would encourage you to get curious about why that person is on page three. Outside of that, you should share why you’re on page two and why that’s important for you based on your convictions, history, and relationship with God. Ask them if they will be willing to honor your convictions and get on the same page as you, because if you’re on different pages, you’ll likely struggle with boundaries and cave into the one with the looser conviction.

     And don’t be scared of this conversation, because if you’re with the right person, they will honor you and not pressure you.

4. Keep accountable.

     This is obvious, and everyone talks about it, but you need to get accountable. And I’m not just talking about telling your friends. You need to get with someone who freaks you out a bit. Someone who will ask you the hard questions, that will actually check in with you, someone that you respect that is older and wise, and someone that’s already done this right. It can’t be someone who’s always failed with their physical boundaries.