SUMMER MINISODE SERIES TODAY FEATURING MIKE FOSTER

Mike Foster is such a wonderful human being you guys. He is a best-selling author, speaker, and advocate for not-so-perfect people. He has an INCREDIBLE podcast, Fun Therapy, which Kait actually had the pleasure of being on during Season 3 (go take a listen!). Y’all Mike has such a way of SEEING people, connecting with them, and making them feel understood and comfortable.Mike also has a book that he published with his wife Jennifer called FIVE dates. It’s a a His and Her workbook to help couples connect. Kait has personally used it and can honestly tell you it has been SO impactful in my dating life to foster gratitude, connection, and deeper understanding.

Today we discuss a bit about CODEPENDENCY 101!

What does codependency mean?

• A codependent relationship is one where I need YOU to need me. I NEED you to love me and like me. Those themes and those ideas cause us to compromise ourselves.
• Relationships, friendships, family, etc…our identities get meshed with someone else’s identity and suddenly THEIR success and what they are doing is a direct reflection of our value.
• It becomes an an EXTERNAL thing that is representing our value.
• Mike says that some codependent relationships are TOXIC but then some codependent relationships are more like a “low grade fever”
• Codependency impact our BOUNDARIES.

What are some of the SYMPTOMS and signs of codependency?

• Symptoms: Over-giving, resentment & cynicism, controlling, fixing, compromising boundaries, unwilling to say the truth… all of these are signs of codependency.
• When we are trying to control or FIX someone, that is codependency.
• Control is a manifestation of FEAR. “I am afraid this person might fail so I start controlling it. I am afraid this relationship might fail, so I start controlling it.”
• Ask the question “Do I care about the problem, more than the individual cares about the problem?”
• We need to figure out.. .WHAT IS OUR INTENTION with helping someone? Helping people is not bad, but if our intention is to help someone to GET something from it, that is a codependent intention.
• Compromising our boundaries is another sign. Anytime we sacrifice yourself on behalf of others. When we are OVER giving and in OVER responsibility, we have to check ourselves.
• Ask yourself: “Are you in FULL access to that person?”
• Compromising responsibility builds up cynicism. If the phrase “Why doesn’t this person appreciate them more?” That is a classic sign and you are OVER giving in the relationship.
• Unwillingness to SAY the truth is another sign. You might try to HOLD it back to protect them or the relationship… this is a codependent thing.
• Healthy relationships are ones where you SHARE from your heart. Codependent relationships are thinking you can’t say what’s on your heart because it might hurt their feelings and might destabilize the relationship.
• What you are saying is “this other person’s needs are more important than YOUR needs.”

Other Resources

Podcast: Fun Therapy

Five Dates Workbook only available on the website: Fivedates.co

Mike Foster Instagram

Mike Foster Twitter

Mike Foster Website