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In this episode JJ shares causes for concen when it comes to serial daters.
Hey mennn, we’re so glad you’re back for another men’s minisode in our red flag season. Today we’re talking about the serial dater, the person who is never single, they’re always talking to someone! Is this a red flag?!
It’s hard to describe every situation without knowing more details. If the person is 25-30 years old and has spent every moment of the past 10-15 years in two or three long-term relationships, then I think that's fine as long as no cheating was involved. Let's face it, one of the leading causes of breakups is because the person is growing bored or tired of his/her current partner and someone else caught their attention. They end it with their current partner and immediately start dating the new one. This is very common, even among those who are secure, happy and mature. At this point it’s important to ask what their goal in dating is because they’re exhibiting behavoir where they’re comfortable dating for multiple years and not moving forward to marriage. There is usually something else going on there.
But if the person has jumped from relationship to relationship every 6-12 months, and has been involved with some shady characters, and seemingly doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything without the significant other present...then that's a serious red flag. Neediness, clingy, instability, fear of being alone all come to mind.
Number one is that they NEED to be in a relationship. They are never single because they have never been single and they hate it. They need to be validated and emotionally supported by a crutch. This is mainly an emotional maturity more than anything with lots of gaps in spirtual maturity.
Number two is that they DON’T know what they want! They are saying yes to everything. They don’t really have an objective for dating or things they’re looking for in a partner. The fix here is to actually have a CONVICTION and a WHY. Then you can work backwards, if that’s the goal or objective then you can figure out the things that need to happen to get to that goal.
Number three is that they crave FUN, THRILL and LIGHTHEARTEDNESS. This is where you find your serial daters. They always crave the thrill of the chase. It’s always about fun and there is no vulnerability or depth. They’re addicted to the romance of dating.
Number four is that they are hyperfixated on that person to FULFILL them. Ironically, they’re never focused on the person out of curiosity. They are not interested in you, they are interested in what you can do for THEM. They’re not able to be independent.
A serial dater, someone who is always in a relationship, it absolutely is a red flag, and honestly could even borderline on a deal breaker. Why? Because this is not going to be a refining, equally yoked partnership.
These people are usually very charming. But what will end up happening is a one-way ministry where you’re pastoring, coaching, providing, are the therapist, life coach, emotional support structure, motivator, literallly you end up being everything to them. This is a recipe for diaster. It’s too much for one person to handle because that is a God-sized expectation and a communal expectation put all on ONE person.
We will give a caveat here because we have people in School of dating who are in a DATING CHALLENGE. This is completely different because there is a healthy MOTIVE and INTENTION behind why they are doing this challnege. So if you do meet someone whoh may be dating multiple people, don’t write them off as a serial dater. ASK QUESTIONS and get curious about them!
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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.
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