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As a female , have you ever wondered where all the Christian guys are? Or more specifically, why won’t any Christian guys ask you out? Where even are they? The proposal photos you see online might be so abundant that they’re driving you crazy, but there’s just enough lack that you’re left worrying. Where is YOUR man? Why hasn’t he asked you out yet? The question of ‘where are all the Christian men’ is one that I get asked probably more than anything else. And so I want to answer it for you! But I don’t want to just give you a cliché answer. So whether you’re a guy or a girl reading this, strap yourself in and get ready, because this is a conversation for all of us.
What do the statistics say?
It’s true. Statistically, there are way more single women than men in the church. To be more specific, it’s about 3-4 single girls per single guy. So if you’ve asked this question before, you’re not crazy! It’s totally valid.
But before we go on, you need to check your heart first.
This needs to be cleared up before I can answer the big question. Ask yourself: are you asking where all the Christian guys are? Or are you asking where all the hot Christian guys are? You know, the six foot three prayer warrior-athletes that also play guitar and lead worship? Desiring marriage is not wrong. However, there is a BIG difference between desire and thirst. Do you desire marriage because you want to honor and glorify God while building up His kingdom, Or do you just want to fill the voids in your heart? Do you feel like your sense of worth comes from a relationship? Or maybe you feel like your biological clock is ticking and that you need to hurry up and get married? With those questions being asked, I want you to know that I’m not disregarding your fear or loneliness. I just want to make it clear that it’s not wrong to desire marriage, but if your desire turns into thirst, you will become a repellant. Guys will start to stay away from you (and if you’re a guy reading this, it goes for you to). Thirst doesn’t look good on anyone, and people can see it on you. So check your heart. Don’t place such a pressure on a guy to fulfill your voids. You don’t need a husband to survive, and if you feel like you aren’t valuable without one, then you’ve created an idol in your life. Your husband is not your savior.
Finally, to the actual question: where are the guys?
Well, the answer is that the church has a discipleship problem. The guys aren’t there because the church has been passive in raising up godly men.It’s possible that the church is only enabling the problem because they are scared that guys just won’t show up. A women’s event is way more likely to fill up than a men’s event, more women show up to leadership meetings, and more women are active in the church in general. So the problem is that the church is catering towards women and not raising godly men, and that’s why they’re not there.
So what can you do?
We are calling out every leader who sees this need, to take the risk. If you can organize a men’s event, it’ll be worth it even if only ten guys show up. All you need to do is start somewhere, even if that means starting small.
Instead of complaining, start praying for more brothers in Christ just as much as you’re praying for a husband. Instead of pushing down men, start to empower and affirm them so they have a desire to grow and draw near to God. And if you have a problem doing this, check yourself. If your desire is for a man to know you more than for a man to know Christ, then there’s a problem.
Use your season of singleness to create a healthy place around you and inside your heart. Set up a healthy place for these men to exist both in your church, as well as in your life.
So with all that being said, yes it’s true, there are more Christian women than there are men. But be careful not to dwell in a scarcity mindset. Believe that there will be a shift in this generation, and get praying! 🙏
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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.
Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.
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