This is definitely a red flag! Is it a dealbreaker? This depends. 

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Kait thinks you should always ask the other person when you’re on the cusp of getting into a relationship. It’s not a red flag if they don’t offer up the information voluntarily. YOU should always ask though! The huge thing here is to get VERY CURIOUS! Ask these questions… 

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What did you learn? 

Why? What was the root of it? 

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What would make this a dealbreaker is if they answer very superficially, blame the other person for their cheating, can’t give an answer for the root of it, OR if it was recently. 

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If we’re being honest, we all will be tempted in relationships. If you see that they have acted on that temptation then it’s important to evaluate even more. 

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You shouldn’t eliminate them solely based on the fact that they have cheated in the past. You should ask a LOT of questions. Things in their answers may reveal that this is in fact a deal breaker but it also may not. 

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This isn’t just physical cheating either, this is ALSO emotional cheating!

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This is a red flag and could potentially be a deal breaker. 

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What needs to happen is having an HONEST dialog with them. Are they willing to change convictions to come to where yours are? BUT ALSO, asking why their convictions were what they were to begin with. That’s SUPER telling! 

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The thing is that one person is going to change and if you have stricter boundaries then it’s going to be you who changes because they will push the boundary. So that will be a conflict that you’ll have to be aware of and disciplined in. 

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It’s more of a red flag and honestly a deal breaker if they don’t have a strong sexual ethic. Someone’s sexual ethic doesn’t define their salvation. However, it does reflect how deeply they desire to please God and glorify Him in everything they do. 

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What if they recently had sex? This is a HUGE red flag, and depending on how recently, a deal breaker. It’s not a judgment toward them because we have no authority to judge them, it’s that we would seriously question their spiritual maturity in the way they’re running their life. You have to get really curious here again. 

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JJ would say this is a big red flag because he thinks this is showing major insecurity they haven’t dealt with. 

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Kait would say to get super curious, it’s not a red flag per se, but you need more information. If they’re not aware of their jealousy or willing to work on it, then that is a deal breaker. If they have some jealous moments and are aware of it, and it’s coming from past pain (like cheating), have anxious attachment, or struggle with abandonment then it’s possible the other person is doing something unintentionally or intentionally to trigger that. 

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What can you do to create an environment of safety? 

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Check in with yourself. Are you doing anything to make them feel uncertain? 

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When jealousy becomes a deal breaker is when it begins to be a form of control. They’re not giving you autonomy to choose who you follow, who you spend time with, etc. Jealousy can be  a part of manipulation and abuse.

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This is definitely a red flag! 

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However, we use this word WAYYYY too much these days. We love awareness, however everyone is NOT a narcissist. Narcissism is a spectrum. 

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Kait, personally defines 3 types of narcissism. 

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1. People who on OCCASION are really selfish. This is almost every single human being. 
2. People who have very CONSISTENT narcissistic tendencies and it’s very clear. This is still low on the spectrum. 
3. People who are very severely narcissistic, who have been diagnosed. 

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This is a red flag! 

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If you’re not leading with genuine curiosity then that’s when you’re in the wrong. Leading with an accusation has never gone well. 

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We see this in so many different areas… 

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Tattoos

Virginity 

Vaccines 

Divorce

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We’ve lost the ability to hold things in tension. The spirit of judgment is going to be very TOUGH to build a relationship with. Judgment is truth without grace. 

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For Kait, this is definitely a red flag! 

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If they’re obsessed with politics and NOT working in politics, this is a red flag. If you’re working in politics, then this can be a bigger deal because it takes up so much more space in your life. 

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We’re not shaming people who are passionate about something. However, when politics have become the top priority or where you find your identity then that is a red flag. As Christians we should be a Christian FIRST and foremost. 

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This is a very sensitive topic and there needs to be a lot of trust built to be able to have a conversation about politics because of the world we live in. 

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This is definitely a red flag! 

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Typically people lie to stay in control or because they have shame. We have a lot of compassion for lairs, but you have to watch out because a lot of abusers are liars. However, there are normal people who lie because of people pleasing or shame. 

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The caveat here is that there is a time and place for withholding because of where they fall in your circle boundaries (we teach extensively about this in School of Dating). 

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You want someone who is going to be forthcoming and you don’t have to ask a ton of clarifying questions. 

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How are you running your life in the little moments? 

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Overall, we want you guys to get curious about people. Ask more questions and get to the root! With that being said, there do end up being deal breakers as you hear their responses and learn more. 

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