Courtney shares that she feels several things when this question is asked. The first is that it feels like people are looking at her life as a reality show. The other thing that’s more painful for her is family members who she doesn't connect with often, and they’re trying to small talk. The small talk surrounds singleness as if there aren’t other things going on in her life. It feels like an identity badge she’s wearing and being single is how she’s defined by others. It doesn’t hurt because she is single, it hurts because that’s the only thing it seems like they have common ground on, and they don’t have common ground because the family member isn’t single. It seems like a fascination to them. It’s such a vulnerable part of someone’s life, why would I tell someone I only see once a year all about it? We shouldn’t feel pressure to answer all of their questions or tell them the details of our dating life. 

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We do think that people mean well, there’s just a lot of lack of empathy. 

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So, practically…

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First, embrace the sting of it. 

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Secondly, remind yourself it’s not someone who is truly doing life with you. They’re trying to genuinely engage with you so they’re grasping at content they can talk about, and trying to let them know they care. 

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Family or friends wanting to set you up with random people. The idea that a single person can't just be single. 

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It can be an opportunity to lovingly communicate boundaries. Being able to appreciate the intention while also saying no thank you is a powerful tool in these conversations. Underneath that boundary, in the way you’re communicating it, is leading with a generous assumption about them. This also invites us into learning how to respond instead of reacting to someone asking us these questions.

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People are trying to come from a place of love when they say this usually. It definitely depends on the situation and the person but, Courtney sometimes defaults to humor. After saying something along the lines of, “I don’t know, ask the guys out there” she’s able to also say, “No, seriously, I really have created a life I love and that I’m really proud of. For me, I want to be with and say yes to someone who enhances that life I have. I don’t want to say yes to somebody just because I want companionship. I want partnership and I’m waiting for partnership.” It really is an opportunity to have a conversation about her being more than her relationship status, and just because she is single does not mean that she’s unhappy. It’s an opportunity to share with someone about the work and the growth you’ve done and if you haven’t then it’s a great mirror exercise to realize how I respond to this, how do I view these questions? If you have a hard time responding to that then it might be good to dive deeper into that with Jesus and coaches and mentors. 

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Courtney hears these things pretty often… 

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Maybe the reason I’m still single is that I’ve done something wrong. 

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The reason I’m still single is because I must have some unconfessed, hidden sin, and once I uncover that, God will give them to me. 

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I’m so mad at God, I know He’s a good God who gives good gifts, so if I’m not receiving the gift of marriage, then there must be something wrong with me. 

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So the opportunity and invitation here is to to unpack…

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What do I believe about the character of God? Get in scripture and read about the character of God. How He sees you, how He knows you, and how He loves you. 

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A mindset shift. If we’re looking at marriage as a prize, then singleness will always feel like failure. If we look at marriage as an accomplishment, then we’ll always feel like there’s something wrong with us. 

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What would it look like for us to step into trusting the Lord with this season we’re in? 

We acknowledge that feeling with you and hold space for it. Actually letting yourself grieve as a process is huge here. God can handle your feelings and grief. Having grace for yourself and allowing yourself to feel those emotions is kindness to yourself. It’s really hard to self criticize when you’re operating in so much self love for yourself. 

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Jesus sees you, and understands you. The actual reason for this season is Jesus’ birth not the rom coms and cuffing season. 

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Remember to grab your tickets for ‘Tis the Single Season at courtneyleo.com/HOD and use code HODPOD50 for 50% off! 

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