This is Kait’s favorite thing about red flags! When you find out more information many red flags can be turned into ORANGE flags and then even GREEN flags IF the person is willing to work on them. 

‍

How can red flags go from orange to green? Ask questions! Get curious. This is going to take COURAGE to ask about that red flag! Talking about red flags can bring CONNECTION. Without having a conversation, you are technically making up a story in your mind and ASSUMING! Sometimes red flag conversations can bring you CLOSER because you’re asking questions, getting curious, and allowing you to have a vulnerable conversation that can bring connection. 

‍

Then, pay attention to how they respond to your questions. Are they DEFENSIVE? Do they not see it as a problem? OR Do they already have AWARENESS about the red flag you are bringing up? Are they already working on this thing? 

‍

Lastly, WATCH through TIME if this thing actively changes. If you are actively dating through a red flag (you’ve had a conversation and it’s a month later, you’re talking about it again), a great exercise to do is to hit the mute button on their words and WATCH their ACTIONS. Actions tell you where someone’s priorities are. 

‍

One thing that is super important, you want them to change the thing you are bringing up because they ACTUALLY want to. NOT because they are trying to win you over. Otherwise it won’t be long lasting OR it could cause resentment. Ask yourself the question “Would they change this thing, even if I was not in their life?” This shows their WHY. 

‍

Before we jump in, remember not to completely write someone off or these. Pause and gather more information! Get CURIOUS! 

‍

If they don’t have godly friendships, this is a red flag. 

‍

If they’re mainly friends with the opposite gender and/or most of their friendships are flirty friendships. 

‍

If they judge people who go to therapy or refuses to ever go. 

‍

If they don’t have boundaries OR they don’t respect boundaries. These cna be emotional, spirtual OR of course physical. 

‍

If they are aggressive or easily angered. 

‍

This was Kait. She ignored red flags because she wanted to see the BEST in them and almost had TOO much compassion for them. This really came from her own wounding and her anxious attachment style leaning. She wanted so badly for someone to like her and choose her that she didn’t have her worth grounded and therefore, she would overlook red flags because she flet value from them choosing her. 

IF this is you, it’s something to really dive into because while in one sense it’s beautiful to see the best in people, it’s NOT beautiful to see the best in people without having a lens of WISDOM. Especially in the choice of marriage!

‍

This was JJ. There is typically a sense of PRIDE here - like they have help out for so long they DESERVE someone perfect. So if you deserve someone perfect and you’re waiting on them, anyone who has a single red flag is completely out of the picture because they’re not perfect. This translated to his first date not being low pressure, instead it was an interview to see if she could be his wife. It caused him to be highly critical of anyone he may consider dating. This creates a sense of entitlement. 

This often happens on DATING APPS. We eliminate people far too quickly on dating apps because of small things that we think are red flags. SALT gives you an amazing picture and snapshot of who someone is. 

‍

A dealbreaker is a CIRCUMSTANCE or BEHAVIOR we don’t want in a long-term relationship. Often this should be based on VALUES! Dealbreakers are unique to each person BUT there is a general rule of thumb that is good to go by. 

‍

The number one deal breaker is, that they’re not in a committed, GROWING relationship with Christ.  If you have to guess… it’s not it. 

‍

Second, is that they are abusive in any way, verbal, physical, and emotional too. Lying could be a form of abuse. 

‍

Our third deal breaker is if the person has any kind of active drug or alcohol addiction OR major habitual sin. 

‍

Some examples of other deal breakers you may have: 

• You want kids, and the other person doesn’t 
• Someone who has narcissistic behavior
• Vision is not aligned
• Laziness
• Smoker

‍

Some deal breakers that shouldn’t necessarily be deal breaker:

• Politics 
• Location 
• Height 

‍

Go through your past 3 relationships and list out DEALBREAKERS you’ve found from relationships.

‍

Or if you have not been in a relationship, maybe this comes from relationships you’ve seen.

‍

THEN thinking about those last few relationships, think about the RED FLAGS you saw in that person.

‍

We have a freebie for you so you can do this exercise and have even more notes!

Go to HEARTOFDATING.com/resource/redflags

‍