Mini Man-sode 18: Sex Q&A for MEN

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Mini Man-sode 18: Sex Q&A for MEN

with

JJ Tomlin

Join JJ as he answers all of your burning questions about sex including how far is too far, boundaries, and what to do with sexual desire.

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In This Episode

How far is too far? In regards to boundaries, lust and physical intimacy, like oral sex, straddling, making out.

Do physical boundaries change with trust and commitment? AKA - in engagement, is it more okay since we are getting married?

Is masturbation okay for me to deal with pent up physical desires decades? Does that disappear in marriage? Are there side effects?

What to do with sexual urges outside singleness? Or even marriage?

What does forgiveness of your partner’s physical past sexual activity look like in marriage?

How far is too far? In regards to boundaries, lust and physical intimacy, like oral sex, straddling, making out.

What we are quietly holding in the back of our mind as Christian men is that we KNOW the standard of what we are called to… it’s just really, really hard to abide in.
To one woman alone you are obligated to give yourself to and the physical act of sex. Everyone else, categorically is a sister or mother to you in your life.
How can I absolutely make sure crystal clear abundantly that I am glorifying God in the area of boundaries and intimacy with my partner and girlfriend?
So really, biblically, dating, engagement, the call is the same, all the intimacy reserved for my wife is reserved for my wife.
Two sineros: 1) A married couple engages in holding hands, massaging each other, making out, touching breasts and genitals. 2) An engaged couple engages in holding hands, massaging each other, making out, touching breasts and genitals.
What is the difference? Well the engaged couple says something and consoles themselves, well we are getting married anyway, it’s okay, it was just some touching, a slip up, fondling and making out while straddling. It was at least not sex. Well the married couple calls it foreplay and you know what they say, isn’t this great sex and connection. And God who created sex, also created the foreplay, or the on-ramp.. It’s the oven and preparition of the great act. The on ramp was not designed for the single not only does it set you up for trouble, it is trouble!

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Do physical boundaries change with trust and commitment? AKA - in engagement, is it more okay since we are getting married?

Are your sexual boundaries tied to a slider of physical commitment? Is that not arbitrary? How does or should commitment level outside of marriage determine what pleases God and glorifies him? This third element of commitment.

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Is masturbation okay for me to deal with pent up physical desires decades? Does that disappear in marriage? Are there side effects?

The bible doesn’t talk about masturbation.
Can you masturbate without lust?? I dont think so.
Secondly, what is it the point of that orgasm? It’s not for you, it’s for the sacrament. It perverts the intent of that act.
Thirdly, it TRAINS you. This is the one of the GREATEST traps. It teaches it is about you, fulfills your lazy, self-centered desire and the irony is, that is the opposite of sex! Where it is not about you, your fulfillment, you work towards it, and it is focused on another. And it builds the relationship, not destroys it.
We find pleasure in sex in marriage because of what it points to, versus masturbation is momentary pleasure and conviction or shame that tears down.

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What to do with sexual urges outside singleness? Or even marriage?

We go back to theology and the foundation of sex. What is the purpose of that urge? There are tons of underlying drivers to sexual urges.
Sex is an expression of intimacy, a relational exchange. There is no disconnecting the physical urge to the emotional and spiritual desire. So when we try to view it as a sexual urge and physical need like eating, then we almost create this hall pass system.
Sexual urges are absolutely intertwined with your deeper need to emotionally connect. Your sex drive, single or married, is actually fuled by your healthy connection to God, family and friends. Crazy enough, the more you are healthily, emotionally and spiritually connected to others in fellowship, the easier it is to manage your sex drive!
That’s what addictions and primarily sex addictions are driven by, unmet and neglected emotional needs - counselors call this intimacy disorder literally.
So I would say there are some awesome practical things, such as build as healthy and rich fellowship as possible, incorporate strenuous exercise to challenge you and deplete testosterone and engage in affectionate connection with others. This can even be a pet!
To close this out - I would give you all gift. Ironically it was very similar to a quote I heard from Billy Graham - birds will always be flying above you (sexual urges and temptations to lust), but you do not have to give that bird a nest to land in.
Here is what i would add to close on this question: 1) Thank and worship God. 2) Acknowledge the urge and desire, He created in you and thank Him for creating you without mistake. 3) Ask God to highlight any areas in your life, emotions, intimacy, that you have neglected today? Where am I weak, numb or ignoring? 4) Offer up your body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God! Quite literally! 5) Praise Him for a mind that can dream, imagine and think!

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What does forgiveness of your partner’s physical past sexual activity look like in marriage?

We have a whole podcast on this.
There IS redemption.
There are consequences to sexual sin.
I AM scantified, and I am also BEING scantified.

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JJ Tomlin

JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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