We often talk about marriage as this picture of the gospel which leaves a lot of singles feeling like they can’t picture the full picture of the gospel because they’re only half of something. That’s kind of the way it’s presented theologically. YET, the Bible is extremely supportive and positive about singleness. We see in scripture people who were single and doing amazing things, not the least of which is JESUS himself. Paul talks extensively about singleness in Corinthians. Sometimes people pull parts of that scripture out to pressure people into getting married for sex. Really what Paul is saying that there are seasons and callings and we don’t know how long they last. In these different seasons there are different ways to picture the gospel. Singleness is one way to picture the gospel and to walk out this beautiful dependence on God that leads to world impact. AND you also have to depend on God in marriage. 

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Corinthians is really the biggest section in scripture where we really see that God thinks what singles are doing is important, and their ability to minister to others, to influence their world is powerful, EVEN WHILE, it can also be painful. These two things aren’t separate. Singleness might feel like a gift and a trial at the same time and that is okay. 

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Pylicia says that she thinks we first have to start with a few assumptions that we have about satisfaction in God, choosing Christ in the face of these desires. Our desire for companionship and marriage is not bad. God instituted communion in the form of marriage at the beginning before the fall. He said it’s not good for man to be alone and that it’s not good for humanity to be alone. We NEED other people. BUT, what we’ve done is taken that passage and we’ve said well that means that the only way we can get community is through marriage. 

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So then what happens is you have a mentality that you need to find someone who’s going to fill this void for you. What happens when you have that mentality and then get married is that it doesn’t actually go away. Then in a few years you find out that one person can’t carry all of that because they’re not designed to. 

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We need to back up and see why we’re not satisfied and it’s because we’re putting too much on the institution of marriage. That other person is NOT there to satisfy you. Before we can choose Christ over our human nature and be satisfied in God, we have to remember that epeople who are married have to be satisfied in God too.  

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Marriage should make you happy, you will be attracted to  your spouse, and you will become holy through it. Deep down Phylicia and Josh thought that a Christian marraige should result in x, y, z. We have to objectively step back and see if these things need to be happening according to scripture OR is this a preference? Is this really a sin issue that needs to be confronted or is this a preference? Be realistic about what you’re expecting from a fellow human. 

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Phylicia thinks so because only when you’ve experienced God’s radical acceptance does it come also with his discerning wisdom. In the Christian dating world on one side of the spectrum you don’t want to settle for someobody who doesn’t share your values or love God. On the other end of the spectrum we have these unrealistic expectations that we ourselves don’t even fulfill. In the middle is God saying, I accept you, I love you as you are, but I’ve also given you my Holy Spirit so you can discern weather this person has a heart for me and can walk with you as you both grow. 

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When singles struggle with loneliness, disappointment, discouragement, they often feel that marrieds can’t understand. This comes from that misunderstanding that when you get married, that person is satisfying you all the time, that they’re fulfilling you and therefore you don’t ever feel lonely or disappointed or discouraged. BUT, when you’re in a marriage with another flawed human it is possible to actually feel equally as isolated, lonely, discouraged, and disappointed, partially because no one belives that you can feel that way when you are married. 

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There’s a lot more in common between singles and married on this and they should be able to have conversations about God’s satisfaction because you will need it in marriage just as much as you need it when you’re single. In moments of discouragement and loneliness it’s an opportunity to realize that no human can fill that void, no human was meant to fill that void and it turns us to dependency on God. 

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Phylicia says that she thinks it points to a contractual relationship. We often treat God in this way that says I’ll do this if you give me x, y, or z. We say, well, I’m back again, because I’m lonely. BUT, really if we had walked with him every step of the way, every hour, every day, every hour in intimacy of prayer and ongoing conversation with him, in the word, in godly community, then we experience a deeper satisfaction in him, even while walking through really hard emotions. 

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The experience of being single longer is very specific. What scripture tells us is that there are certain principles about God about the walk of faith that are universal to all Christians. If it’s feeling stagnany, it can be a lot of things. It’s okay to sit with things, be disappointed and mourn and lament. AND he has also promised to supply all of our needs and with the riches of Christ Jesus. Even Paul said, I asked God to take away this thorn in my flesh three times and God said no. He said, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Grace is giving power to the powerless. 

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The tendency for some singles to say, fine God, you know what, I’m going to be so satisfied in you that I”m going to completely ignore my desire for a companion. What would you say to this person? 

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In this case you’re spiritually bypassing your own desires. You are being honest. We do this when we are so hurt and disappointed that we can’t even look at it anymore. 

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You can say you’re putting the desire away for him, but he iddn’t ask you to do that. He’s the one who’s saying, I didn’t ask you to say you didn’t want it. I didn’t ask you to lie to yourself or to me about this. I just wanted you to trust me with it. He’s not asking you to ignore it in order to be more spiritual. 

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There’s going to be a limit on your intimacy with God if you think you are hiding something from him or withholding it from him. Until that withholding is done and you have said, God, I am desperate for you, I can’t do this on my own. There will always be a wall in your spiritual intimacy with him. And as long as there’s a wall there’s not going to be that satisfaction. 

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Not just theologically speaking, but experientially, in day-to-day life, as a single or as a married, or as a divorcee, regardless of relationshipstatus…how does God begin to satisfy that innate desire for companionship? 

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God uses a lot of different things and people to minister to us and to minister to those desires. Phylicia believes that we have sexualized physical touch, things like physical touch to the point that we don’t relaize that one of the ways God fulfills that in any season of life, is that he fulfills that through godly community. Safe, healthy, support form your community, including physical affection, is one of the ways God ministers to us and satisfies us. God works through the church, he works through human begins as a way to give us that compansionship. 

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