What is attachment theory and why is it important to understand in dating?

Brene Brown says, “Our connection with other people is only as solid and deep as we are connected to ourselves. We have to know who we are. We end up desperately searching for a connection with other people when we have no idea who we are.” Understanding attachment theory and knowing your attachment wounds are some of the most powerful things you can do to best understand yourself and how you are showing up in dating. This is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Let’s dive into the background of attachment theory…

Attachment theory originated from John Bowlby and there are 3 primary insecure attachment styles with ONE primary secure attachment style. Insecure attachment styles include anxious, avoidant, and ambivalent. While a secure attachment style is well, secure.

All about anxious attachment… This is a person who is anxiously attached will likely do so because they crave connection. People who are attached anxiously are generally people who received love as a child, but it wasn’t inconsistent. These individuals are acting to soothe their feelings without thinking. They often want to be in control of the situation and sometimes come across as needy. These individuals also don't like distance and unresolved conflicts.

If you face anxious attachment, it’s important to present your needs as an invitation.

All about avoidant attachment… these are people who think, do, and then feel (maybe) after the fact. Those with avoidant attachment overall have a distaste for conflict. They suppress feelings and typically grew up in a household where it is not safe to feel. Those with avoidant attachment, don’t know how to engage with their feelings or emotions. These people withdraw and are typically considered to be the loner.

All about ambivalent attachment… these are the people who toggle between thinking and feeling but rarely act. They are the ones who are both avoidant and anxious. A common childhood wound for those who face ambivalent attachment is those who had a very chaotic household. They second-guess themselves a lot, especially in big decisions.