JJ gets candid about how his upbringing shaped his earliest definitions of women, dating, and marriage. Raised in a deeply traditional, isolated, evangelical home, he only ever saw his parents’ distant and disconnected marriage—one where a woman’s role was narrowly defined and affection was rarely modeled. What did he learn about relationships from this? That women were homemakers, that men provided, and that otherwise, you just survived as glorified roommates. “I didn’t have a playbook for dating or healthy masculinity,” he admits.

On top of that, JJ’s dad modeled nitpicking women’s appearances and reserving kindness for those deemed “attractive.” This bred insecurity and a surface-level connection, leaving JJ craving intimacy but not really knowing how to pursue it in godly, healthy way

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Let’s talk purity culture—and breaking the silence on porn use. JJ recounts discovering porn as a teen and describes it honestly: “porn was cocaine for my soul.” His struggle wasn’t a “one-and-done” story, but a cycle stretching across more than a decade, mingling with self-loathing, shame, and secret-keeping. He’s clear: white-knuckled self-control didn’t bring freedom. True change came with deep accountability, vulnerability, and understanding that porn (or any addiction) is a symptom—a desperate attempt to numb deeper emotional pain and loneliness.

But here’s the kicker for anyone obsessed with “technical virginity”: JJ’s experience showed him that purity is far deeper than a list of what you have or haven’t done. “I tied my soul to hundreds, if not thousands, of women,” he reveals, through porn, hook-ups, and emotional entanglements—even before ever having sex. The obsession with “virgin vs. non-virgin” is a false metric. What matters most is the purity of heart only God can restore.

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One of the biggest takeaways from this episode? You can think you’re “healthy” just because you’re agreeable or outwardly kind, but true emotional health requires depth, self-awareness, and an ongoing connection to God and community. JJ vulnerably admits that for most of his life, he minimized his own pain and trauma—until healthy friendships, therapy, and marriage exposed the wounds he’d suppressed. “You can only be as spiritually mature as you are emotionally mature,” he shares.

Women often do the inward work, searching out healing, but JJ powerfully encourages men not to ignore their own stories: “Just because you’ve suppressed your emotions doesn’t mean you get to drag someone else into the grave with you.” Without facing our emotional reality, we risk inflicting silent, devastating wounds—on ourselves and our partners.

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How did JJ break free? The turning point wasn’t a lightning bolt epiphany, he says, but gradual, honest confession in safe, Christ-following community. Not just “transparency” but real vulnerability—confessing not just the headlines, but the gritty details of his failures—was the catalyst for healing. Walking out of shame and into the light (over and over again!) paved the way for actual change.

The journey isn’t about arriving at perfection, but about cultivating continual growth, humility, and deeper dependence on Jesus. “You’re either cultivating and growing in your relationship with Jesus, or you’re not,” JJ sums up.

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Wherever you land on the spectrum—whether you relate to JJ’s story or not—know that your value and hope are rooted in God’s mercy, not in performance, shame, or fake perfection. Real growth starts with honesty, safe relationships, and a commitment to let Jesus work in the mess. Let’s be people who judge ourselves (and others) by the heart, not just the highlight reel.

Love you HOD fam—let’s keep showing up, getting real, and growing together! See you next week!

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