In the video they start to talk about TYPE, which is so funny because we’ve done so many episodes on type here at Heart of Dating so our ears peak up. The video talked specifically about there HAVING to be a SPARK. Anddd y’all already know we don’t like the word spark around here. It’s the Disney FANTASY! There was one line that we did NOT like, “It’s easier to get a FINE GIRL SAVED than an ugly SAVED girl FINE. Yuck, yuck, yuck, we did not like this at all! That statement is so objectifying and just plain bad. As Christians we should be the leaders of, “I do not care what this person looks like.” You see more of their inherent value regardless of how they look. So viewing it from that lens, it’s heart breaking to hear a statement like that from Christian leaders. 

‍

Everyone listening has gone probably struggled with some form of body image. There have been times in Kait’s own life where she felt like she was ugly. So if she heard this statement from a leader or pastor she personally would feel like, on I’m the ugly girl, no guys are really going to want me because I’m not fine enough. If I was struggling with body image then hearing this would make me feel hopeless. The problem is that you’d NEVER hear this statement about men. The statement as a whole feels like boys locker room, immature, and gross, because it’s so dehumanizing. This is also problematic for men, because it perpetuates the idea that men have no self control. 

‍

If I were to build a list about what’s important in my godly spouse, what would the Bible say? The Bible is more clear about this than any pastor, sermon, or podcast. 

‍

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves transgression loves strife; he who makes his door high seeks destruction.

Proverbs 12:18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 31:10-31 Directs us toward the virtuous, for they their price is “far above rubies”.

1 Timothy 4:12 Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

1 John 3:17-18 But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

‍

It’s such a bad thing when you say that you HAVE to have a physical spark to draw you in because that should NOT be what draws you in. You SHOULD have a physical connection, absolutely! Don’t get married if you have no physical connection whatsoever. But, that is a horrible thing to draw you in and make you want to be with someone. We talk a lot about FOUNDATION. If you want to build your relationship on SAND, then build it on physcial attraction and watch the sand sink. When you marry someone, you’re marrying a best friend, you’re NOT marrying a sexual object. 

‍

When Adam first saw his wife, he didn’t say, she is so fine.. wooof!! His inner dog didn’t come up. He said, at last, bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. Do I love you??? No I am you, you are me, and in your presence I know who I am reminded of who I am. Tim Keller always said, marriage is friendship on fire, deep oneness that comes from a mutual journey. There is Eros love means, erotic romantic love of two people looking at each other. Philos love means two people standing side by side looking at something else in common wow what a picture. So if we are looking for philos, partnership, kingdom love on mission. Why are we STARTING with eros!? Biblically, philos is the first stage, it is the foundation, and eros grows from the brotherly, deep oneness and friendship. 

‍

Some of you know this already but some of Kait’s story was that she wasn’t that pysiclaly attracted to JJ in the beginning. She previously worked in fashion and really valued style and fashion and JJ had blue hair and didn’t really care much about what he wore. JJ was objectively an attractive person, but subjectively to Kait, she wasn’t that attracted to him because of his style and some of his hygiene (the way he ate lol). There is line though, because if JJ had smelled like BO and his breath smelled awful it probably wouldn’t have gone any further. However, even though the physical attraction didn’t feel all there, she found herself feeling attracted to him in other ways because DING DING DING there are different TYPES of ATTRACTION! Because JJ was NOT Kait’s type. We need to stop eliminating people because on paper they’re not what you would like to see. People change!! Their styles and bodies and everything can and will change over time. 

‍

We don’t want to shame you, if this is what you’ve been doing. We simply want to challenge you to not eliminate people based on superficial things. Elyse Murphy actually was the one to talk to Kait about basically getting over the style stuff with JJ. 

‍

Any other love other than I love you, because I love you, because I love you is counterfeit love. 

‍

A lot of people fear that if you’re not superrr attracted to them that the sex won’t be good. That’s just not true! Sex is about so much more than physicality. It’s emotional, spirtual and then also yes, physcial. Sex is best when you’re united and soley focused on the other person. When you’re all about attraction and type it’s really all focused on you instead of them, which is how it should be.

‍

There are actually 5 different buckets of attraction. 

• Emotional Attraction: Vulnerability, emotional safety. Do you feel seen? Do you feel known? Can you share your feelings safely? Can you share your past safely?
• Spiritual Attraction: Being attracted to the JESUS in them. 
• Intellectual Attraction: Being attracted to how smart they are, and intellectual conversations. 
• Personality Attraction: This is the friendship part of the relationship.
• Physical attraction

‍

Some people are actually, genuinely trying to challenge their type and wondering where the line is. Here’s what we would say, if you’ve gone on more than one date and truly tried then it’s OKAY, to stop seeing them. You tried and that’s okay. As you’re challenging yourself, pay attention to what’s making you uncomfortable with their physical appearance. Make sure you’re not on the dates just constantly thinking about that “flaw” but truly giving them a chance. 

‍

Marriage is not romance garnished with friendship. It’s not in essence romance and attraction, and friendship is thrown in as a wonderful little option, a wonderful little plus if you can get it. Rather, marriage is friendship with romance garnishing and flavoring it.

‍

Furthermore, friendship is not just a feeling of affection. Friendship is a deep oneness that comes from two people journeying toward a common horizon. First, the oneness; secondly, the walking together, the interacting; and thirdly, the common horizon or goal you’re going to.

‍