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Kat's episode on her new book "Sexless in the City" discusses toxic culture, modesty, masturbation, and sexuality and sexual desire
INTRODUCTION
You JUST released your new book “Sexless in the City” could you tell us about it?
What do you do with your sexuality and desire if you’re choosing to not have sex before marriage?
You talk in your book about masturbation, could you break down the desire to masturbate?
How do we empower men and women to reframe modesty?
What is your final nugget of dating advice?
Friends! We’re still on a break, but we’re bringing back an amazing episode with the one and only Kat Harris!!
Kat is a Brooklyn-based online educator, digital content creator, female empowerment advocate. Her vision is for women to know their beauty, identity and value. She has a B.S. in Biblical Studies from Dallas Baptist University and is Co-Founder of the online publication The Refined Woman and host of The Refined Collective Podcast.
In this episode we were celebrating the release of her new book “Sexless in the City:A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex”
In this episode, Kat and Kait discuss all things sexual desire, purity culture, and even modesty!
Kat wrote this book to unpack any hot question she’s had about God and sexuality. Whew, we’ve all been there right?! She is so vulnerable, discussing shame and her own story in this book. All of our Heart of Dating friends know how much we value vulnerability around here! She really wanted to have open conversations on sex and sexuality that’s NOT rooted in shame. In her book she explains that sexuality and desire isn’t WHO you are, but is APART of the human experience.
The first thing here is that there’s a difference between sexual desire and a desire for sex. Sexuality is just a bigger and broader thing that makes us want to connect with other people, not necessarily have sex. Kat says that if sexuality were a book, sex and intimacy would be ONE chapter. In order to embrace your sexual desire, you first have to ACKNOWLEDGE your sexual desire and show GRATITUDE towards your body.
Woah, when’s the last time you did that?!
So often sexuality can FEEL embarrasing, but it’s NOT! God made sexuality and that alone makes it BEAUTIFUL. Practicing the art of being PRESENT and ALIVE with your senses is so helpful in this journey to EMBRACING your sexuality. Next, practice embodiment and going from your your HEAD to your HEART!
Kat explains that one of the most human experiences is sexual desire. This is completely NORMAL! When you feel the urge to masturbate, bring it to God and ACKNOWLEDGE that desire. Don’t ignore it or stuff it down.
The conversation around masturbation can be murky and gray becuase scripture is VERY clear on LUST but NOT on masturbation. Kat’s personal belief is that there are healthy ways to masturbate.
Here’s a powerful statement for you, we are NOT the sum of our urges and men are NOT animals. Read it again, my friend. Let it soak in. We are HUMANS, and we are made in the image of God. We are dehumanizing men if we feel they cannot control themselves. Self control is a Fruit of the Spirit and men of God can and do possess that Fruit!
Let’s go ahead and normalize this too, lust is NOT solely a male issue, women also struggle with lust. However, women’s bodies have been oversexualized. This doesn’t mean that we throw modesty out the window completely, but there is a way to REFRAME it! A great book that Kat recommends is “A Return to Modesty” by Wendy Shallot.
Modesty can actually end up being an empowering thing. The thing about modesty is that it’s all about CONTEXT, clothes, and presence. Some clothing is appropriate at times and others not. For example, a bathing suit! Completely appropraite at the beach or the pool but then completely inappropriate in a doctor’s office or school. Always look at the motivation of your HEART and WHY you’re wearing the clothes you choose.
Remember, God cares about our HEARTS, not just behavior modification.
Show up in dating with a posture of curiosity.
We LOVE this response! Curiosity is SO powerful!
Kat Harris is the host of The Refined Collective Podcast, and Co-Founder of the online publication The Refined Woman. Her first book Sexless in the City hit bookstores April 2021. She has also been a full-time photographer for the last decade with her work featured in: The New York Times, WWD, Vanity Fair, GQ, Forbes, People, Who What Wear, US Weekly, Glamour UK, and more.
She coaches and equips women all over the world in dating, relationships, singleness, sexuality, faith and how to build a renewed and healthy biblical sexual ethic rooted in freedom, truth and grace as opposed to the oh-so-common shame and fear narratives so many experienced growing up in evangelical culture.
Kat loves God, personal development, a good Beyoncé dance party, + is a Ranch dressing connoisseur. She believes in the power of story, that done is better than perfect, quality triumphs quantity, and that the journey truly is the destination. Ultimately, her vision is for women to know their beauty, identity, worth and value and to experience untapped freedom and joy in their lives regardless of their relationship status.
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