Friends did you tune in last week? We spoke at LENGTH about the harmful affects on porn on our brain and how it can actually be an addiction. Clay Olsen from Fight the New Drug spoke candidly about some the staggering and vast affects on porn on our current culture.Today we continue the conversation as we dive into how PORN affects dating relationships... because lawd knows that it does. Let's dive into the second part of this powerful 2 part interview!

Do you think individuals struggling with porn should avoid dating?

Clay says that porn should never be an inhibitor of dating, especially since human contact and interaction will provide the best insight on what healthy relationships should look like. However, he says that it is very important to be honest and upfront with their partner about their struggle, which allows the other person to evaluate if they’re in a place to help. He also emphasizes that he has seen SO many couples deal with pornography together and have become stronger because of it. It all stems in a sincere desire for change and progress.

So let’s say that someone opens up in their relationship and shares that they have a struggle with porn. How should the other person respond in a way that doesn’t cause shame or judgement?

OOOOF. Isn't this something we need to have a reality check on? Clay emphasizes recognizing a couple things:

1. This struggle likely started long before the relationship started. So as the individual who is receiving this news, you should avoid turning the blame on yourself or thinking that you could have done something differently in the relationship to prevent it from happening.
2. The more we understand the vast scale of this issue, there is more of a level of understanding that comes with it. Therefore, we can eliminate any false stereotypes we might have around it.
3. Opening up is huge! Acknowledge it and give them credit! There is a huge level of vulnerability that comes with honesty and opening up. Recognize their honesty! Let them know that you are honored and thankful to hear a part of their story. Be grateful for the vulnerability.
4. It is KEY to separate the addict from their behavior and address this as a TEAM struggle versus an individual struggle. Come up with methods to let each other know when help is needed or when the you feel undermined.

Do you think it can be problematic to relate pornography to adultery?

Clay says it absolutely can be problematic. Yes, there is hurt and undermining what may be experienced by someone who feels like their partner is turning to other sources for intimacy and pleasure. However, equating a porn addiction to adultery or an affair can be problematic in the fact that porn is so accessible and acceptable and, in most cases, it seeks us out versus the other way around. We live in such an overly-sexualized society, where information is available at our fingertips, which in essence meant it can be potentially easier to step over the line and normalize the behavior of pornography. In an affair, relationships have to be sought which in some ways requires more of an effort.

Clay again emphasizes that the hurt that might be felt is valid but calling pornography usage an affair can sometimes force the issue to be unreconcilable in a relationship because those words have the potential to paint an extreme level of betrayal. Furthermore, if ultimatums are given (ie. “If you ever watch porn, this relationship is over”) or an overtly fear-instilled opinion of pornography is stated, the opportunity for vulnerability is so significantly reduced. Instead, Clay encourages us to address this issue with compassion, acceptance, and understanding.

What are healthy practical steps that people in relationships can take to hold accountability? Are there solutions?

Clay, again, says absolutely! He reemphasizes how widespread the issue is but also how many options for accountability, support, and help there are. There is therapy—individual, group, or betrayal trauma—that can be very beneficial for both the person struggling and the partner supporting them. For betrayal trauma, Clay suggests Bloom, and suggests FTND’s app, Fortify, which is great for those looking to overcome addiction themselves. It can track mental states and behavior and can be done with their spouse or partners (allies, they call them). Additionally, Clay says that many religious organizations provide fantastic support groups.

Overall, though, in regards to recovery, Clay says that the best way to look at it is not as a weighty chore, but an empowering journey of lasting freedom. While it can feel confining or solitary, no one dealing with porn is alone. There are so many communities that can provide support for each other.  #PREACHCLAY

Is there a right time to bring this up?

Clay makes it VERY clear that this is an opinion not backed by studies or science. Simply an opinion. Just clay. We got it.

Clay suggests not bringing it up on the first date, since this kind of conversation should merely help you figure out if you even like the person. However Kait and Clay agree that once you get to a more serious point in a relationship with a person—whether it is an established relationship or just strong feelings toward them— being honest about the struggle is best policy. On the flip side, the partner being accepting and loving about dealing with this sensitive issue is crucial. In general, Kait and Clay tend to think that the topic should come only when there is a clear DTR happening some way, shape or form.

Also! Please don’t wait until the alter to bring this up! Clay says that, like any other addiction, porn should never be a struggle that is first addressed after the wedding bells. It is a huge topic with a lot of weight and has the potential to negatively affect a relationship if not addressed quickly, appropriately, and as an ongoing dialogue.

All of this being said, however, it is very much a personal experience that depends on the individual relationship. He sums it all up pretty concisely: “Early on, but not too early. Make it a priority, but make it natural.”

Furthermore, he says that the person struggling with porn should find someone to be completely vulnerable with if they so need, and that might not be their partner. Vulnerability is so important in a relationship, but as far as graphic details that might want to be shared, partners may not be the best to share with, just because of how closely affected they are by it. Therefore, honesty and conversation is vital in establishing communicative boundaries.

Last lines of dating advice?

Clay used to do wedding videos and would hear people share their first date stories. So, Clay’s advice is to take your first date seriously, because if this is the person you marry, you want it to be unique—you’ll share it in your wedding video.

To both parties: we are not saying this is easy for either one of you. We just believe it is possible to work together to provide a safe place for discussion that is shame free and hopeful.

These episodes are meant to open your eyes to the staggering affects of porn, inspire encouragement and support for those struggling, and finally provide HOPE that this can be conquered.

Other Resources:See FTND website HERE.Visit this page on tons of FACTS.Follow Fight the New Drug on InstagramJoin Fortify for HELP with addictionJoin Bloom for SUPPORT with a partner who has an addictionSome of our other favorite Resources:Porn is like a DrugPorn Changes the BrainPorn Hurts your PartnerPorn Kills LovePorn Can Lead to Violence