Here is the deal. You guys DM us with questions about what the other gender is thinking all the time OR you ask them in our private FB community, and because of that we decided we needed to have a rad guy come on to help Kait tackle some of the biggest myths about men and women in dating.!
So indeed we have a repeat podcast guest today, JOHAN KHALILIAN who previously was on our Men and the Me, TOO and masculinity episode conversations.
Johan is a Youth Motivational Speaker, coach, and an author. Johan uses his life story to help people of all ages believe in the power of their dreams and the impact their life can make in the world around them. He is incredibly REAL and shameless and has a powerful voice. We also just so love his commitment to being truly vulnerable as a man.
So here is the THING, he is a good friend of Kait’s that she has known for years, so yall the two of them just get INTO it in this convo!
They talk about things like how can guys truly pursue, how do they combat rejection if it’s happening over and over? Can men and women REALLY be friends? Is it too much for women to put themselves out there? How can they show a guy they are interested? What about emotional love tank filling?
They even talk about attraction and why it’s important but also has to be balanced with other things.
Kait and Jo GO ALL IN! This conversation is fun, but packed with nuggies as Jo says at the end.
How do you date at church without being known as that person that keeps trying to date everyone?
- Johan first says, if you can get a whole bunch of dates.. CONGRATULATIONS!
- People are really concerned about guarding this perception of themselves.
- If you have dated a lot, it can be OKAY, what are the women saying about you? When you end something, did you end it well and honorably?
- Women have a responsibility on this end as well, because women can sometimes GOSSIP or take things too personally and then tell all of her fellow girlfriends about the guy.
- Is there a true deep issue, is it really just a human who is just NOT for you?
- If we are truly brothers and sisters, we need to look out for one another.
- How about if it doesn’t work out, you recommend the person to someone else?
- This is a great example of love NOT being rooted in EGO, and rather making it about the OTHER person.
- Every no is one step closer to your forever YES.
- We don’t have to try to make everyone the best fit for us.
- Own up to it even if you make decisions that are not that great. Do not try to just cover it up.
What advice would you give to the men who have been rejected?
- First of all,Johan says, “Hey man, I’m SORRY my guy.”
- What if we reframe rejection to see it as a benefit of us being COURAGEOUS and become proud of ourselves instead?
- If you are continuously experiencing rejection, maybe you could ask what kind of feedback could you potentially seek from the women?
- We want to avoid the feeling of being hopeless, and sometimes we have to
How important is it to be attracted to the person versus also having an open mind?
- Kait opens up about how she OPENED her perspective to date people who were NOT exactly her quote on quote perfect “type”… because MOST of that was physical qualities.
- Litmus test: “Are they SUBJECTIVELY attractive to you?”
- Attraction is so much more than just physical appearance.
- Johan asks “Why are women so much better than that then men?” He believes that more women are willing to be with somebody that are not quite as attractive.
- Kait thinks that it would be interesting if men also tried to challenge themselves to take this approach more frequently in seeing MEN.
- There is a difference between a non negotiable and a PREFERENCE.
- Keep an open mind, and be aware of the differences of preferences versus non negotiable.
- In the end, YES it is important to be attracted to the person, but the most important is that you are attracted to their CHARACTER above all.
Emotional love tank filling…Real talk: have you been guilty of this? Have you been convicted about it and how do you actively avoid that now in order to respect yourself and your fellow sisters?
- Emotional Love Tank Filling: “seeking emotional love from a person without any intention of dating them in any regard”
- Women have TONS of emotional conversations all the time, so in many ways women get emotional LOVE filled in from one another.
- Men don’t experience it exactly the same way. They don’t cuddle, they don’t have as many emotional conversations with one another.
- There is a fine line. Sometimes women take men being KIND as emotional love tank filling.
- We have to ask our question “What is the heart behind it? Are you trying to get someone to like you even though you are not interested in them?”
- Always check in with YOUR intention behind the situation and what you are doing.
- Johan says,”We have to do a better job of having MATURE conversations where we are self aware and able to check in with the other person, without it being an over the top thing.”
- There would be SO much stress relief if we just stopped trying so hard to BREAK THE CODE. Just have a real and honest conversation.
How do women know that a guy is interested in them?
- Johan says “If I like you, YOU WILL KNOW.” Specifically, because he is going to tell them directly. He will ask them out.
- And if he doesn’t tell you, then you have to know that this is likely a person who doesn’t quite as easily communicate their feelings.
- At the end of the day ladies, you are NOT there to convince a man to like you.
Can women show interest?
- Johan says YES! Absolutely. Men need the green light.
- A lie we have to debunk is this: Men do not typically get overwhelmed if they know a woman likes them. It is actually a compliment!
- As a man the hard part comes in when you cannot reciprocate that you like the woman back. Johan admits that he doesn’t like to make people feel bad.
- “We HAVE to be okay being misunderstood”, so women have to be okay doing that and same with men as LONG as you are being loving, and graceful, and kind.
- “What kind of brittle brother is going to break down after you tell them you like them?” That is NOT the guy you necessarily want to be with! Is it?
How do women show interest that a guy likes?
- Eye contact is huge and a great way to show more interest and connect. However, of course, there IS a time limit on the amount of eye contact.
- A gentle smile can be a great way to show interest.
- Kait also recommends to BE CURIOUS. Ask them questions. Start with an indirect question that does not have to do with them fully, but that will get you in conversation. Then follow up with a DIRECT question, something more specific about THEM.
Do you believe that men and women can JUST be friends?
- Johan and Kait agree that YES, it is possible. In fact, THEY are friends!
- Does everything immediately have to be about romance? Of course it is possible for men and women to be friends, but yes you have to be mindful and check in and make sure you have boundaries.
- Johan also says it is tough because someone usually says “Well typically someone always develops feelings”, and while YES the might be true in many cases, it also doesn’t ALWAYS Happen. But if that does happen, talk about it. Be vulnerable. This can be beautiful, but necessary and very possible to be mature and go about this in
- Reality Check: DOES THE BIBLE SAY “All things are possible in Christ EXCEPT guys and girls being friends?!”
- If you form a crush on a guy or girl who does NOT like you back the same way, what does that mean to YOU? Does it destroy your identity? If it does, we have to take a deeper look into that and be curious as to WHY.
- If you are friends with someone who doesn’t like you the same way, it doesn’t have to destroy you.
- We have to take God’s love and connect it from our head to our heart.
What is your final nugget of dating advice?
- “The way I am going to choose someone is NOT based on the good times, not based on the best version, I want to choose someone based on when things are not going so well. Because If I still want to passionately love someone as they show up in that version, then I know we are going to make it”
- “STAY CURIOUS.” We behave as if it is possible to fully know someone, but what if we behaved in a way to know it is never possible to FULLY know someone because we are constantly growing and changing. Maintain a posture of unquenchable curiosity with your significant other.”
- KEEP dating the person. Ask them the same question that you asked them 5 years ago. Don’t think you have cracked the code of the person you are dating. Each and every day approach them with a curiosity.